I sit here the night before Thanksgiving thinking of one thing - my dad. I miss him more than I could have ever imagined. He was all about the holidays. I keep thinking about the calls each year where he would ask what I got to pig out on or the times when we got to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal together. I am still in disbelief that he is gone. The thought of me never getting to talk to him brings tears to my eyes almost immediately. This is the time of year that should bring so much joy and happiness but I am just numb. I should look forward to spending the day enjoying great food with family and being thankful for what I have but I'm actually not looking forward to doing so. He's been gone almost 3 months and the pain is as strong as it was that morning I got the phone call that he was gone. It sucks.
I am glad to have 4 days off work, though. We have my in-law's dinner and my family's later on tomorrow. Then the husband and I plan to do some black friday shopping. Hopefully this helps keep my mind off the crappy part of the holiday. I can't believe it's Olivia's second Thanksgiving. It seems like she was just born yesterday. She's so beautiful and smart; she has come a long way. I recently had a devastating thing happen in my life (other than my father's passing) and she truly has been the reason I make it through each day. When I am dealing with a hardship, just a smile from her can lift me up to the clouds.
Even though I get a break from work, I still have class work.
I don't know how I have held a full-time job, plus be a full-time student, and juggle my family on top of it all. People say I'm a strong woman, I guess after I think about everything I have been through the past couple of months and didn't go absolutely insane...I can agree! I have been through more than the average 24 year old. I am debating on whether to continue with school and do nursing or to just focus on my life at present until Liv gets older. I love my job, just want to climb a little higher, however it is getting hard to juggle so much at one time.
Who knows what I will decide. Anything is possible, I guess. Right now, I just hope to make it through the holidays. Christmas is going to be a hard one. I usually put our Christmas tree up Thanksgiving weekend, not sure if I will feel up to it this year. Hmmm..
On September 5, 2014 I received the worst phone call I could have imagined. At 6:30am my mom called and asked if I was awake yet. My mom never calls that early, especially not to ask me if I'm awake. She will usually text or send a facebook message. So from the beginning of that phone call my heart began to sink. She said, "I hate to tell you this, but they found your father this morning. They say he had a fatal heart attack." It takes a while for this kind of statement to absorb into your brain. I got a similar phone call on February 7, 2010. It was Daniel's aunt saying the exact same thing to me about my father in law. A fatal heart attack. His father was 40, mine was 53.
It's just not something you can even begin to imagine hearing about someone you love so much. Of course I began to cry hysterically, waking my husband and daughter. My mom got off the phone so she could come up and sit with me; she lives about 45 minutes away. I cried for a good 30 minutes. I can't even being to tell you the thoughts that ran through my mind. I was angry, sad, scared, heartbroken, in disbelief...the list goes on. One thing I took to heart was the feeling of regret. Why didn't I call him everyday, just to say hello? Right now I would give anything just to hear his voice again. After my mom and sister came to my house, I found out more details that could have stayed hidden. One thing was he talked to my sister and my cousin that same week. He told them both he thought he had a mini heart attack as he had been laid up in bed with chest pain radiating to him arms and he just didn't feel well. He refused to go to the ER because he didn't have health insurance and told them he knew they wouldn't see him because he couldn't pay.
This not only angered me but upset me. For someone to feel they can't see medical attention during an emergency because they can't pay is heart wrenching. The reason I was angry, might you ask? He knew the signs were there and didn't see medical attention. He could have gotten an insurance covered under the affordable care act as his employer didn't offer it, but he didn't. He could have went to the ER and got help, but he didn't. I'm angry at my sibling because she never called to tell me this. I feel that if I had known, I could have called to have an ambulance sent to his location. This also upsets me because I feel like I could have done something and he may still be here. Another thing that angers me is that he told my sister and I time after time that we were his reason for living. That was until my sister had 3 children and I had my daughter. Then, he had more reason to live and boy did he think a lot of his grandchildren.
My dad had a horrible childhood. His mother walked out on him, his two older brothers, and his younger sister. His father was an alcoholic who taught him to abuse women. my mom being one of them. Despite these things he loved us beyond belief. There was nothing that could get in between him and his daughters. However, my dad battled the same disease, alcoholism, along with depression. He lost his father at 63, his brother, Timmy, to cancer and his sister, Sheila. Both passed at a fairly young age as well. He always said my sister, me, and his grandkids were the only family he had left. He didn't know there were many more who loved him. Life had dealt him some crappy hands before, but he contributed to some things himself.
Anyways, we called local funeral homes in Maysville and Tollesboro. They all wanted the money up front. $8000 for the funeral services or $4000 for cremation. And one needed to know that same day by 4pm. My father had passed away in another state. There were extra steps we had to take. My uncle, his last living brother, lived in Arkansas where my dad was so he went to the coroner's office to ID him but as far as getting him back home to Tollesboro, that was the challenge. You can't just go pick up someone's body across state lines without question. He had to be prepared and flown in or drove in by hearse. The preparation (or embalming if you haven't caught that) was $895 and the plane ticket was almost $500. Luckily, we found a local funeral home in Carlisle who agreed to let us take on a payment plan between my sister and myself. They took care of everything as far as getting him prepared and flown into KY.
He passed on a Friday and he wasn't home until late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. The Sunday before I met my sister and mom at the funeral home in Carlisle (along with my husband) to make the arrangements. Funeral homes and hearses freaked me out well before this event, but having to face them for your father made it all even worse. I was okay when we first got there. I had a few lingering tear drops when they were going over details; obituaries, pall bearers, songs, bible verses, etc. When the director said it was time to pick out a casket, it all came out of me. I remember crying loudly and saying, "I can't, I can't." My mom and sister came to support me and my mom said she and my sister would go select one. I stayed back away from the viewing room with my husband and just let it all out. My sister said she didn't want to pick a casket without me. So I built up the courage to go towards the room, saw the caskets, and began crying hysterically again. My sister wanted a blue one because my father was a true UK fan. The director had one that he said he would get out to display while we all calmed down. We went in to view this blue casket after we calmed down, I saw the inside when I got close and I fell, literally. My husband caught me and all I could do was cry. All I could think about then is that, this is real. My father is gone and soon I am going to have to see him lying in this casket.
We finally got all that crap done and out of the way. I got the message Tuesday that dad was home. For some reason my heart just didn't feel right on the matter. These people said my dad died last Friday and here it is Tuesday and they're telling me he's in Kentucky. So, I did was any temporarily insane person would do, I told myself they had the wrong person. I kept telling myself that it wasn't real, they had ID'd the wrong person. I couldn't feel that he was gone. I asked everyone, aren't you suppose to feel it? I couldn't. Maybe it was the fact he lived in another state and we didn't talk daily. Maybe it was the fact it was 5 days later after finding out he had died and I still hadn't seen the 'proof'? Either way, I did myself more bad than good thinking this. I got to the church on Wednesday for the visitation and before we parked, tears were running down my face like a water hose was turned on over my head. I started shaking, my heart was racing. The closer I got to the church the more I shook, the more my heart raced. They opened the doors and I got a slight glimpse of my father laying in the casket. I immediately fell to the side of the doorway away from the view of him and started to cry loudly. Luckily my husband caught me. But, it was real. My father was gone.
My mother told me it was okay and pulled me to my feet again. They pulled me down the alter, closer and closer to the casket. Midway, I fell again. My legs, everything, just gave out. My husband caught me again. I sat there trying to keep my eyes close, not wanting to believe what was right in front of me. I a man laying there that looked just like my father. But he couldn't be gone, or that's what I thought. You never truly think about your parents leaving you and going onto afterlife. No one wants to think of it because it's too much to bear. I always saw my dad growing old, teaching the grandkids all the rotten things he used to do. I sat and looked at a peaceful, resting man that looked like my father. All I could do was cry in disbelief. I think I remember evening saying "no" over and over again. I remember just staring into the wall straight ahead of me. I couldn't look at him in the casket. My sister, on the other hand, was up there talking to him, rubbing his head, and just being at peace with him. I guess I just couldn't do that. I am selfish. That was my daddy, only he was now a hallow shell. I can remember people coming up to me and hugging me as I was staring at the wall with tear drops falling from my face.
People tell you over and over how sorry they are for your loss an I never knew how annoying it was until now. You can definitely appreciate the sympathy but at such a fresh stage, it does nothing but annoy you. I didn't lose a toy, my dad is gone. I mean all I could do was tell people thank you? You can't possibly know the hurt and pain one is in when they're grieving. We all do it differently. I really just wanted the hugs from my relatives. I felt like people were saying sorry to me but I should have been saying sorry to them because they didn't know my dad like I did. Really, him passing is their loss too. I guess it's just easy to say that no one knows the right or wrong thing to say during a time like this. Anyhow, I made it thru that horrifying night. I think I left him without crying because I knew I would be back to see him in the morning. When we returned back to the church, I had to again get a short glimpse and step aside so I could work up the courage to go closer to him. The funeral was about to start so of course, I was forced again to meet with my dad's body close and unready. He had beautiful songs played for him and my cousin, Trent, officiated. He knew my dad better than any pastor. I know my dad would have wanted him to say something instead of someone who didn't even know him as he wasn't part of a church. After trent spoke, three more songs were played and as the last song was coming to an end, I could hear people getting up and see some out of the corner of my left eye saying their goodbyes to my dad.
Great, my heart sunk to my stomach again. This was it. I was about to say goodbye to my dad...forever. There truly are no words to describe what I felt and feel even now as I am writing this post. I can remember the moment like it was yesterday. I can remember going up to his casket to say goodbye like I did it this morning. It is just not a feeling I would hope for anyone. I have been silent on this matter and angry. I probably have made people feel like I didn't want them around or that I didn't appreciate them. People just don't understand how badly it hurts and that right now I don't want sympathy. I haven't even given my own. I just want to accept it and to grieve. My cousin Kathy paid to have the grave opened and closed. I will forever cherish her for this. My aunt shirley and many cousins donated towards the funeral. I can't even begin to thank them for that. My work family donated and came to the visitation to support me which meant the world to me. My mom and sister were strong and got things done when I was weak and couldn't. My husband, God love him, held me up this whole time. My daughter kept me busy and smiling. I am blessed with the best of friends and family. Truly, I am blessed.
Me and my dad used to be pretty close. We played rummie together all the time, solitaire, enjoyed Ale 8, steaks, and country ham sandwiches. I can't forget the UK games we used to watch together and scream when scores got too close for comfort. This year, I won't hear my dad talking about the team Coach Cal is getting together. I won't get a call from him asking if I watched last nights game and what I thought. The many months, years to come are going to be so hard. There will be so many first holidays that he will not be around for. I don't know how I am going to deal with these things, but I do know I have a great family and group of friends to help me through it.
I am still trying to raise money for his funeral costs. My goal is to raise $5000. My other goal will be to promote awareness for alcoholism, heart disease, and depression. I want people who are suffering from these things to know there is help and to motivate them to get that help. If you feel in your heart you want to donate towards the cost, I have provided a link below to do so. If you know someone suffering from depression or alcoholism, reach out to them and hug them. If you still have your father in your life, call him just to say Hi and I love you..
When I first received the email stating my influenster box was on its way, I was beyond excited. It said it was just for moms and hey, that's me! I received the purple box a couple of days later to find the following items enclosed: Neosporin + pain relief - "Neo to Go" :
I was excited to receive this, we all know how kids get boo-boo's. Then I read it was for children ages 2 and older. Well shoot, I have a 13 month old. So I wasn't sure if I was going to get to test this product. Fortunately, not for me though, I was scratched by a cat outside. Everyone knows how that feels. I was about to clean the cut when I remembered my Neo to Go. I sprayed the cut with Neo to go and believe it or not, the pain went away after a few seconds of applying it and the cut healed super quick! I will definitely keep this in mind for my daughter when she turns two! Until then, I will be using it for myself!
Ivory Soap Bar:
I opened this package and immediately was repulsed by the smell. I was not sure how I felt about cleaning myself with something that smells so bad coming out of its package. But I am an influenster so I tried it. The smells gets better with water and when you get out of the shower you smell fresh and look clean. This goes to show you, never judge a book by its cover.
Shell Rewards Card:
When I saw this, I thought it was a gas gift card, as any mom knows we are always on the go and could use one. Turns out it was a rewards card to gain so much credit off of each gallon you fill in your vehicle. I am a little disappointed with this. I registered my card and I have to fill up my car with shell's gas before I get a reward? Bummer. I then realized I had never seen a Shell station in my residence. So when I look online, there is certainly one, in a direction I never go and on the opposite side of the town. Even bigger bummer. I haven't decided if the extra mileage will be worth the trip. Right now, I can buy a walmart giftcard and receive 10 cents off per gallon at Murphy Station, or use my walmart discover card and get 15 cents off per gallon. The best part, I don't have to spend extra money to earn the discount. And the gas station is a couple minutes down the road from me.
Breyers Gelato:
Literally, Christmas in your mouth!! Each bite is better than the last. And the best part? Fat Free!!! I don't know how or what they did to concoct such a delicious desert but I plan to keep eating it!
Puffs + Lotion:
These are amazing. They fit anywhere, are durable, don't make your skin raw, and smell good! I keep mine in my car because let's face it, everyone has that one sneeze of all sneezes now and again where you try to find something to wipe your nose with but find nothing because you're in a vehicle moving at 60 mph down the road!! They 'save my life' with it comes to this.
Avon Anew Wrinkle Smoother:
Let's get right to the point, I'm 23 years old (almost 24) making me still pretty young..I don't have wrinkles on my face. Seriously. I applied this to my forehead after applying makeup and it seems to keep the skin pretty moist and soft. Unfortunately, I don't think I will get the full effects of this products for some years to come.
Be sure to stop by my Zazzle store!! I have a few products started on there. I can do customized work with personal messages, last names, monogram, etc!
I was chosen for the Violet Vox Box from Influenster. I received a Dark Chocolate Cherry Soy Joy bar, a Pink Sally Hansen triple shine nail polish, a Goody Athletique purple and grey reversible headband, a Montagne Jeuness clay face mask, and a sample of Not Your Mother's dry shampoo.
I will start with the soy joy bar. Unfortunately, I'm not a dark chocolate fan to begin with. I thought the bar tasted dry and wasn't very appetizing to me. My husband did enjoy it though. Would I buy one? Definitely not. It's just not the kind of treat I like.
The pink sally hansen triple shine nail polish is amazing. Pink is my favorite color so right from the start I was excited. The polish is long lasting, shines, and looks great! There are several colors to choose from. I plan to try the other colors.
The Goody athetique headband slides on easy and looks great. I have short hair and it works well with a pony tail. I love them and plan to buy more!
The Montagne Jeuness clay face mask was a little scary at first. When I first put the mask on, all I could think about is how cold it was. But after I laid down with it on my face, it was so refreshing. It helped me relax even more. I didn't see a big difference in softness or look of my skin but I'm sure if I did it often it would definitely help my skin. Would I buy these? Sure would, sure plan to.
Lastly, I tried the Not Your Mother's dry shampoo. I was skeptical because every hair product like this one I've tried it did nothing but make my hair more greasy looking. Well, surprisingly, one did indeed absorb the oil. While it did do its job, it made my hair insanely stiff feeling and made it hard to style. So would I use it? Probably not unless there's an emergency where I don't have time to think about my hair and just need to throw it up.
Before: not much volume, obviously I haven't washed it.
After: You can tell it has absorbed oil and gave it volume.
RIP to Mitzie. My mom bought my pappaw a Chihuahua after his best friend Kuff was hit by a car. Mitzie was able to cover that hole in his heart. My pappaw passed away and it seems like she got worse off every year but held on for a long while. She probably got that dog for him about 10-12 years ago. I was close to my pappaw, we were buddies. I was so sad when he left but it felt like Mitzie had some of him in her and we became good buds. I stopped seeing Mitzie a lot after I got older. I regret not spending more time with her. I know this will sound weird but it feels like my pappaw is really gone now. Like he stuck around through her or something. :( Makes me sad but she had a lot of health problems so now she's in Heaven and can feel like a new puppy. God bless her little heart. She will be missed.
Today, I was finally able to review my product. I got the Strawberry Smoothie. I was torn between getting that and the mango frozen yogurt. I have never liked yogurt in my life. I tried this drink, and it's actually not bad. I think it was quite nice. There's so many flavors to choose from and different products! Plus, you can't forget it 99% lactose free and has live cultures and probiotics which are great for your GI tract. I plan to try the frozen yogurt next!
