On September 5, 2014 I received the worst phone call I could have imagined. At 6:30am my mom called and asked if I was awake yet. My mom never calls that early, especially not to ask me if I'm awake. She will usually text or send a facebook message. So from the beginning of that phone call my heart began to sink. She said, "I hate to tell you this, but they found your father this morning. They say he had a fatal heart attack." It takes a while for this kind of statement to absorb into your brain. I got a similar phone call on February 7, 2010. It was Daniel's aunt saying the exact same thing to me about my father in law. A fatal heart attack. His father was 40, mine was 53.
It's just not something you can even begin to imagine hearing about someone you love so much. Of course I began to cry hysterically, waking my husband and daughter. My mom got off the phone so she could come up and sit with me; she lives about 45 minutes away. I cried for a good 30 minutes. I can't even being to tell you the thoughts that ran through my mind. I was angry, sad, scared, heartbroken, in disbelief...the list goes on. One thing I took to heart was the feeling of regret. Why didn't I call him everyday, just to say hello? Right now I would give anything just to hear his voice again. After my mom and sister came to my house, I found out more details that could have stayed hidden. One thing was he talked to my sister and my cousin that same week. He told them both he thought he had a mini heart attack as he had been laid up in bed with chest pain radiating to him arms and he just didn't feel well. He refused to go to the ER because he didn't have health insurance and told them he knew they wouldn't see him because he couldn't pay.
This not only angered me but upset me. For someone to feel they can't see medical attention during an emergency because they can't pay is heart wrenching. The reason I was angry, might you ask? He knew the signs were there and didn't see medical attention. He could have gotten an insurance covered under the affordable care act as his employer didn't offer it, but he didn't. He could have went to the ER and got help, but he didn't. I'm angry at my sibling because she never called to tell me this. I feel that if I had known, I could have called to have an ambulance sent to his location. This also upsets me because I feel like I could have done something and he may still be here. Another thing that angers me is that he told my sister and I time after time that we were his reason for living. That was until my sister had 3 children and I had my daughter. Then, he had more reason to live and boy did he think a lot of his grandchildren.
My dad had a horrible childhood. His mother walked out on him, his two older brothers, and his younger sister. His father was an alcoholic who taught him to abuse women. my mom being one of them. Despite these things he loved us beyond belief. There was nothing that could get in between him and his daughters. However, my dad battled the same disease, alcoholism, along with depression. He lost his father at 63, his brother, Timmy, to cancer and his sister, Sheila. Both passed at a fairly young age as well. He always said my sister, me, and his grandkids were the only family he had left. He didn't know there were many more who loved him. Life had dealt him some crappy hands before, but he contributed to some things himself.
Anyways, we called local funeral homes in Maysville and Tollesboro. They all wanted the money up front. $8000 for the funeral services or $4000 for cremation. And one needed to know that same day by 4pm. My father had passed away in another state. There were extra steps we had to take. My uncle, his last living brother, lived in Arkansas where my dad was so he went to the coroner's office to ID him but as far as getting him back home to Tollesboro, that was the challenge. You can't just go pick up someone's body across state lines without question. He had to be prepared and flown in or drove in by hearse. The preparation (or embalming if you haven't caught that) was $895 and the plane ticket was almost $500. Luckily, we found a local funeral home in Carlisle who agreed to let us take on a payment plan between my sister and myself. They took care of everything as far as getting him prepared and flown into KY.
He passed on a Friday and he wasn't home until late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. The Sunday before I met my sister and mom at the funeral home in Carlisle (along with my husband) to make the arrangements. Funeral homes and hearses freaked me out well before this event, but having to face them for your father made it all even worse. I was okay when we first got there. I had a few lingering tear drops when they were going over details; obituaries, pall bearers, songs, bible verses, etc. When the director said it was time to pick out a casket, it all came out of me. I remember crying loudly and saying, "I can't, I can't." My mom and sister came to support me and my mom said she and my sister would go select one. I stayed back away from the viewing room with my husband and just let it all out. My sister said she didn't want to pick a casket without me. So I built up the courage to go towards the room, saw the caskets, and began crying hysterically again. My sister wanted a blue one because my father was a true UK fan. The director had one that he said he would get out to display while we all calmed down. We went in to view this blue casket after we calmed down, I saw the inside when I got close and I fell, literally. My husband caught me and all I could do was cry. All I could think about then is that, this is real. My father is gone and soon I am going to have to see him lying in this casket.
We finally got all that crap done and out of the way. I got the message Tuesday that dad was home. For some reason my heart just didn't feel right on the matter. These people said my dad died last Friday and here it is Tuesday and they're telling me he's in Kentucky. So, I did was any temporarily insane person would do, I told myself they had the wrong person. I kept telling myself that it wasn't real, they had ID'd the wrong person. I couldn't feel that he was gone. I asked everyone, aren't you suppose to feel it? I couldn't. Maybe it was the fact he lived in another state and we didn't talk daily. Maybe it was the fact it was 5 days later after finding out he had died and I still hadn't seen the 'proof'? Either way, I did myself more bad than good thinking this. I got to the church on Wednesday for the visitation and before we parked, tears were running down my face like a water hose was turned on over my head. I started shaking, my heart was racing. The closer I got to the church the more I shook, the more my heart raced. They opened the doors and I got a slight glimpse of my father laying in the casket. I immediately fell to the side of the doorway away from the view of him and started to cry loudly. Luckily my husband caught me. But, it was real. My father was gone.
My mother told me it was okay and pulled me to my feet again. They pulled me down the alter, closer and closer to the casket. Midway, I fell again. My legs, everything, just gave out. My husband caught me again. I sat there trying to keep my eyes close, not wanting to believe what was right in front of me. I a man laying there that looked just like my father. But he couldn't be gone, or that's what I thought. You never truly think about your parents leaving you and going onto afterlife. No one wants to think of it because it's too much to bear. I always saw my dad growing old, teaching the grandkids all the rotten things he used to do. I sat and looked at a peaceful, resting man that looked like my father. All I could do was cry in disbelief. I think I remember evening saying "no" over and over again. I remember just staring into the wall straight ahead of me. I couldn't look at him in the casket. My sister, on the other hand, was up there talking to him, rubbing his head, and just being at peace with him. I guess I just couldn't do that. I am selfish. That was my daddy, only he was now a hallow shell. I can remember people coming up to me and hugging me as I was staring at the wall with tear drops falling from my face.
People tell you over and over how sorry they are for your loss an I never knew how annoying it was until now. You can definitely appreciate the sympathy but at such a fresh stage, it does nothing but annoy you. I didn't lose a toy, my dad is gone. I mean all I could do was tell people thank you? You can't possibly know the hurt and pain one is in when they're grieving. We all do it differently. I really just wanted the hugs from my relatives. I felt like people were saying sorry to me but I should have been saying sorry to them because they didn't know my dad like I did. Really, him passing is their loss too. I guess it's just easy to say that no one knows the right or wrong thing to say during a time like this. Anyhow, I made it thru that horrifying night. I think I left him without crying because I knew I would be back to see him in the morning. When we returned back to the church, I had to again get a short glimpse and step aside so I could work up the courage to go closer to him. The funeral was about to start so of course, I was forced again to meet with my dad's body close and unready. He had beautiful songs played for him and my cousin, Trent, officiated. He knew my dad better than any pastor. I know my dad would have wanted him to say something instead of someone who didn't even know him as he wasn't part of a church. After trent spoke, three more songs were played and as the last song was coming to an end, I could hear people getting up and see some out of the corner of my left eye saying their goodbyes to my dad.
Great, my heart sunk to my stomach again. This was it. I was about to say goodbye to my dad...forever. There truly are no words to describe what I felt and feel even now as I am writing this post. I can remember the moment like it was yesterday. I can remember going up to his casket to say goodbye like I did it this morning. It is just not a feeling I would hope for anyone. I have been silent on this matter and angry. I probably have made people feel like I didn't want them around or that I didn't appreciate them. People just don't understand how badly it hurts and that right now I don't want sympathy. I haven't even given my own. I just want to accept it and to grieve. My cousin Kathy paid to have the grave opened and closed. I will forever cherish her for this. My aunt shirley and many cousins donated towards the funeral. I can't even begin to thank them for that. My work family donated and came to the visitation to support me which meant the world to me. My mom and sister were strong and got things done when I was weak and couldn't. My husband, God love him, held me up this whole time. My daughter kept me busy and smiling. I am blessed with the best of friends and family. Truly, I am blessed.
Me and my dad used to be pretty close. We played rummie together all the time, solitaire, enjoyed Ale 8, steaks, and country ham sandwiches. I can't forget the UK games we used to watch together and scream when scores got too close for comfort. This year, I won't hear my dad talking about the team Coach Cal is getting together. I won't get a call from him asking if I watched last nights game and what I thought. The many months, years to come are going to be so hard. There will be so many first holidays that he will not be around for. I don't know how I am going to deal with these things, but I do know I have a great family and group of friends to help me through it.
I am still trying to raise money for his funeral costs. My goal is to raise $5000. My other goal will be to promote awareness for alcoholism, heart disease, and depression. I want people who are suffering from these things to know there is help and to motivate them to get that help. If you feel in your heart you want to donate towards the cost, I have provided a link below to do so. If you know someone suffering from depression or alcoholism, reach out to them and hug them. If you still have your father in your life, call him just to say Hi and I love you..
